I've got a friend who will often ask questions that force me to sit down, organize my thoughts, and put a response in writing. This first resulted in me writing out a list of my favorite Family Discipleship Resources. His latest question has led to this post.

His family started giving up electronic entertainment four months ago, and just this week decided to also give up Disney (toys, music, movies, etc). Knowing that we've been on that journey a bit longer, he reached out to find out if our kids watch movies or TV shows at all, and if so what content we've found helpful.

The short answer is that we haven't owned a TV for probably 8 years, and rarely watch shows or movies on the computer. We had reasons for it when we started down this path, but when he asked the question, I found that the lack of a TV had become so much a part of our life, that I didn't notice it anymore, and couldn't recall the reasons that led us to give it up in the first place. I think our original reasons may have also morphed into new reasons as the years have passed.

His question started me on a journey of rediscovering our why. Ultimately, it all comes down to shaping loves.

A Brief History

I grew up with way too much time in front of a TV screen. I recall from a very young age knowing which channel to go to and at what time to find my favorite shows. I don't remember the exact order, but I recall it included Pappyland, Peppermint Place, Lamb Chop's Play-Along!, Gomer Pyle, Hogan's Heroes, Happy Days, Leave It To Beaver, Zoom, The Puzzle Place, Between the Lions, Schoolhouse Rock!, etc.

In my elementary years, I would beg my parents to let me stay up to watch the two back-to-back reruns of I Love Lucy that would air at 10 & 10:30pm. In middle school, I spent hours in front of TV Land and Nick at Night, and would never miss a rerun of MacGyver. At the time, my language arts teacher required us to keep a daily journal. I hated writing (something I now regret), so I would give a play by play of what happened in the episode I was watching...until she finally said "enough."

These television shows shaped me. I remember crying when I read in our yearbook that Shari Lewis (creator of Lamb Chop's Play-Along!) had died. At one point I researched what it would take to have a career like MacGyver's. I've had a dreamy, idealized view of New York City, with classy big band night clubs like the Tropicana (from I love Lucy). It saddened me to learn of Lucille Ball & Desi Arnaz's real life divorce, and to recently learn that Vivian Vance and William Frawley did not enjoy working together, and that Frawley dealt with drunkenness, volatility, and had few close friends.

In college, my tastes moved to movies and musical theatre. Being a time of life when many are hoping to find a spouse, my preference was romantic comedies and musicals that included a romantic plot line: The Music Man, Guys & Dolls, Oklahoma!, My Fair Lady, etc. I also enjoyed Bollywood movies with a similar theme, such as Bride & Prejudice.

Television, movies, and musical theatre allowed me to enter another world, through the eyes of the characters, but it was all a facade.

My wife didn't have a TV in the house until her teenage years, so she cannot relate to watching TV as a child, but she does have fond memories of family pizza & movie nights each Friday in high school.

I brought a TV into our marriage that I had purchased during college (the largest I could afford at the time), and at the time we didn't give much thought to our usage of it. After all, having & watching a TV is what everyone did.

That TV followed us through our first 4 apartments, the last move coinciding with a new chapter of married life.

A Change In Priorities

Our move into the fourth apartment came with a move to a new city, and a new job. When we moved into that apartment, I paid for a cable package, along with our internet. Again, that's just what you do (or, at least it was at the time, before the ubiquity of streaming services).

My wife was pregnant with our first child at the time. This led me to think deeply about how I wanted to raise our children. I don't recall all of our inspirations at the time, but I believe that the following were some of them.

Learning from other parents

In college I had noticed a young lady, slightly older than myself, who had a baby ensuring that the baby wasn't looking at a TV in the room. When I asked why, she referenced a study about television not being good for a child's development. There were fewer years between that interaction and us having are first child than there have been since, so I likely recalled the details better at the time. I believe it noted that children's brains undergo a massive amount of formation in those early years, and cannot handle the amount of stimulation brought by a TV. I seem to also remember that it's crucial that infants have human interaction to learn communication skills (facial expressions, speech, etc).

Learning by observing other children

During those newly married years, we enjoyed meals at restaurants quite often. One thing that I often noticed was that as soon as a child would get fussy, the parents would pull out phones and tablets to pacify them. From first impression, this seemed very dangerous to me. That practice does not teach children to control their emotions, but instead to scream in order to get what they want, and to seek entertainment whenever they're bored. I have similar concerns with parents who give kids television on long car rides to entertain them. As a family we've taken several long road trips, and I'm happy to report that kids can survive them (and even thrive on them!) without digital entertainment, as can parents. I would say our family has grown closer on those trips because of that commitment.

Around the same time, I also had a co-worker who told the story of one of his son's friends coming over to visit. The friend walked in and the first thing he said was "what's wrong with your TV?"...just because it was off! Apparently he'd never seen a TV that was turned off before. While I don't think that my experience from childhood was quite that extreme, something about that resonated with me.

Learning from books

I know I've learned from books as well, but I can't recall which ones at the moment. One thing I do remember is the point that kids are less creative, less curious, and less capable today because everything is handed to them. We do want our kids to rely on us in those early years, but the whole point of parenting is to shape and grow them to where they can live well ordered lives out from under our roofs, and lead families who will do the same.

Applying what I'd learned

When our first child was born, I knew that I wanted her (and our future children):

  • To have our attention, and to not feel that she had to compete with our phones or TV. We committed to no phone use or TV in front of her.
    • Sadly, though we have no TV, I think we have completely abandoned the no phone rule without realizing it. I had completely forgotten about that goal until writing this post, but it is something I want to get back to.
  • To interact with us, and not have her attention mindlessly fixed to a screen. We committed to no screens for her.
  • To be creative, inventing her own toys out of household objects, or items found in nature. We tried to encourage family members to give "experiences" (zoo membership, museum membership, arboretum membership, etc) instead of toys.
    • The experience idea went well for a while, but it can be very difficult to keep extended family aligned with the same ideals, so we end up with far too many toys.
    • Kids are incredibly creative, if given the chance and not having amusements laid at their feet. We've observed this on many occasions. Our oldest daughter is constantly "inventing" something. Our middle kids love to build "forts" inside or out. Our youngest (still a baby) finds joy in a stick that one of her older siblings has stripped of bark, smoothed, and oiled with coconut oil. When we fill their lives (and later the landfill) with stacks of colorful plastic, we rob them of the gifts of contentment, creativity, and ingenuity.

The Learning Continues

On several occasions recently I've found myself saying, to the point it's almost become cliché, is that "Nothing is neutral. Everything that we do is shaping our heart in one way or another. It is either drawing us closer to (and increasing love for) God, or drawing us to some competing affection."

I couldn't pinpoint exactly where I had gotten this idea. Like most of my thoughts, it was likely a composite of ideas from several different sources. Sources that I have vague recollections of reading or listening to, but none of which could I give a detailed overview of. My friend's question, and this post, has led me on a quest to track down at least some of those source materials.

I've started with the following stack. These are all books I've listened to several years ago, and that I expect could be related, but I've now purchased physical copies that I'm working my way through. As I write this, I'm currently reading You Are What You Love. So far Smith has been saying much of what I was trying to convey in the paragraph above. My plan is to post book notes or reviews as I finish these, to share what I'm learning, and help me better track my sources in the future.

  • You Are What You Love by James K. A. Smith (Buy)
  • The Common Rule: Habits of Purpose for an Age of Distraction by Justin Whitmel Earley (Buy)
  • Amusing Ourselves To Death by Neil Postman (Buy)
  • The Vanishing American Adult: Our Coming-of-Age Crisis--and How to Rebuild a Culture of Self-Reliance by former senator Ben Sasse (Buy)
  • Habits of the Household: Practicing the Story of God in Everyday Family Rhythms by Justin Whitmel Earley (Buy)

I also have the follow books which I have not read or listened to, but I may read to see if they have application in this area.

  • The Disappearance of Childhood by Neil Postman (Buy)
  • Technopoly: The Surrender of Culture to Technology by Neil Postman (Buy)

Conclusion

I want my children's loves to be shaped by all that is good, true, and beautiful. I don't want to give them facades of reality that will one day crumble before them. When I look at our children I see a level of creativity and ingenuity, a love for God's creation, and a level of self-control that is unique among their peers who have been raised behind a TV. They are still kids, so they do still have their moments, but overall I see the lack of TV in our home as a great gift to them, their future families, and to society writ large.